Midwestern friends and relatives surprised to learn that NYC still exists

After seeing reports on conservative news outlets that NYC had descended into crime-ridden anarchy, friends and relatives were relieved to learn that one Manhattan family was still clinging precariously to safety on the violence-ridden Upper West Side.

"When we learned that the police had been defunded and replaced with homeless immigrants, we thought for sure they were goners," said a friend from Iowa. "But apparently the parents have been surviving on raw fish, soy sauce, and beer."

"Thank God one of the kids made it to Kentucky," added a relative from Oklahoma, "so he can purchase firearms without being microchipped by the deep state."

Study: working within four feet of refrigerator associated with weight gain

Surprising new research finds a strong correlation between weight gain and proximity to a refrigerator during working hours. The study recorded the daily weight of two subjects as they worked from their NYC apartment throughout 2020. 

Scientists hypothesize that atoms bouncing off the stainless steel of refrigerator doors slowed the metabolism of the research subjects.

"It requires further research," says the study's lead author. "All we can say definitively is that the subjects clearly gained weight."

Zoom outages caused by barking dogs

Officials say they have pinpointed the cause of several recent high-profile Zoom outages: excessive barking by two Cocker Spaniels somewhere in the northeast.

The unknown dogs apparently barked so loudly and continuously during multiple Zoom calls that the service's servers eventually shut down.

"Our platform is extremely robust," said a Zoom official, "but it was no match for those dogs." He added that efforts to locate the dogs are ongoing, but the unknown owner appears to be muting his microphone more often.